Thanksgiving Survival Guide

It’s that time of year again. You know, the one where you travel for ages to eat a bunch of food and argue with your family? Yeah, Thanksgiving, that one. Everyone always gets excited for Thanksgiving, it’s just an excuse to eat yourself into a food coma and wake up at the crack of dawn the next day to go fight with a bunch of middle aged moms over TV’s at Best Buy. The perks of Thanksgiving might be all the great food, but it certainly comes at a price. When all of your family gets together for an extended period of time, there are only so many ways it can end. Here’s your survival guide to Thanksgiving with family.


  1. When your Uncle Mike shows up wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, pretend you don’t see it (throw it away later when he finally takes it off).
  2. When your Grandfather starts talking about “the blacks”, quickly change the subject to sports.
  3. When Aunt Betty asks about your social life, start talking about Cousin Mary’s baby.
  4. Avoid talking about your relationships (or lack thereof) at all costs.
  5. College is also a no-go.
  6. Keep Aunt Jody away from the wine until at least 9pm.
  7. Try to forget about the fact that there are at least two guns in this room.
  8. When abortion comes up, leave the room. There’s no salvaging that conversation. Get out while you still can. Go walk the dog.


While Thanksgiving may be rough, enjoy the food and be thankful for what you have. If the situation gets too dire, leave the house saying that you need to run to the store to get whipped cream. Just remember that you only see these people three times a year and that you’ll be seeing them again in a month, so really milk it while you can. For further advice, consult this gem of a Saturday Night Live skit from 2015: